Bridal Shower Blues

The bridal shower, bachelorette, kitchen tea, hen party whatever you want to call it, is supposedly meant to be the happiest day of your life bar the actual wedding. What could be better than a room full of women fawning over you, copious amounts of alcohol, possible strippers, gifts of lacy lingerie that would normally cost a fortune?

But that's a bridal shower in the perfect world. In this very down to earth world the bride is fighting with her mom therefore doesnt want her at her bridal shower, the bride's cousin, who's been planning the bridal shower since the bride was 2 years old has completely taken over with a playboy theme and samoosa platters and the 'bridesmaids' who are meant to be planning the bridal shower are in way over their heads, being more used to bring and braais than events described by the bride's cousin as being 'a touch of class'.

So now the lingerie is probably not happening as it should because no one can gauge the bride's bra size, the copious amounts of alcohol needs to rationed so when the alcohol runs out its time for everyone to go home, the possibility of strippers has been dashed by the presence of the bride's mother as has all possible talk of sex toys, sex exploits or basically sex of any kind. On top of that the bride no longer has a functioning bathroom and toilet thanks to what seems to be deranged plumbers.

I can tell you one thing. If I ever get married my bridal shower is going to be sushi and gin and some Jeremy Renner movies. There is no way I ever want anyone to go through this much admin!

Being an Adult- Why it sucks

Who decided the age which one is supposed to be an adut by?
I mean isnt it totally arbritrary?
There was a time that 21st keys  were being handed over to virginal young whippersnappers still living at home. Then it changed to 18 and now it seems as though 14 year olds are buying property and looking at life insurance policies.
According the laws of society especially the Indian laws of Indian society I should be married with two children by now and be buying my parents cars as birthday presents.
Where have I gone off track?

Here's a list of 5 reasons why being an adult sucks...

1.) You can't ask mom and dad for money anymore:
This seems obvious but first lets explore how much of a big deal this is. previously eventhough you may have been earning your own spending money, you probably always spent until you only had 50 cents left in your account and then came along daddy to bail you out when you then desperately needed money for text books. No more! Now even if you have 50 cents you'll just have to deal with it and starve! yes starve! never have I identified more with the term starving artist than now when i am literally starving to death.
In the world of chartered accountants and actuarial scientists this may not be such a big problem because you're one of those people, buying your parents holiday homes with your first salary. In the world of semi-employed would-be journalists this is a major dilemma!

2.) This is a combined sucky reason with why it sucks to no longer be a student:
you can't get discount rates at the zoo. Not only at the zoo, pubs, restuarants, student flights. All things you can't claim anymore because you're a goddamn filthy adult.

3) break-ups are treated as a family crisis instead of a personal issue because you're an adult now and everyone is scared you may never get married. in fact you're treated as an untouchable and every week after your break-up you get calls from not only your mother but grandmother and aunties to check if you've found someone new yet because the scent of the fallen woman is upon you and god forbid you might be trying to support yourself without a husband, you didnt study Bcom afterall.

4.) The point at which you're at your regular place and suddenly realise that the age range has dropped by about 5-8 years. And when you strike up a conversation with the group next to you and they ask how old are you "25" is met with large, awestruck eyes and murmering "Woah...."

5.) Girls Season 1, episode 2- when you start wishing you had AIDs so people would get off your case about finding a job, paying rent and taking an html course.

Cloud Atlas

Everything about Cloud Atlas gives the impression of being epic. The trailer evokes a sense of greatness in not only the length itself but the cast list, the music, the montage of various flashing scenes. in my opinion the trailer actually worked against the film, in that the viewer begins to form the opinion that the film is perhaps pretentious, boring or confusing.

Despite my negative reaction to the trailer I still decided to watch the film and was really suprised to find a thoughtful and emotive piece of work. The Washowski's are nothing if not visionary and while I did not read the bestselling novel on which the film is based i can only imagine that they've interpreted it in both a true and unique way.

Cloud Atlas, while seeming from the trailer to be something akin to Inception 2 is in fact a simple concept. It darts back and forth through time, from the 1800s to the 1930s to modern day then to a highly commercial world and then eventually to a post-apocalyptic earth after a fall of some kind. In each world are the same souls who meet again and again. What the film shows is how small acts can ripple across time to create gigantic movements.

The film is visually breathtaking and is one of the most expensive independant films ever made. The score is haunting, particularly the cloud atlas sextet which features as part of the storyline. the acting is very good if you can try to slightly disregard Tom Hanks and Halle Berry. Jim Broadbent brings a really warm and humorous presence to the film and Korean actress Doona Bae speaks volumes with her intense gaze, Jim Sturgess is also very good and the inclusion of Hugh Grant playing a variety of villainous characters is brilliant. All the actors play multiple roles in multiple time sequences, there are no boundaries with regards to race and even gender. This gives the film a unique and entertaining twist. As you watch, you will spot certain characters but when the credits role and a plethora of suprising castings come to light, as a viewer you will be shocked. Before watching the film try to picture Hugh Grant as a pacific island cannibal, Ben Wishaw as middle aged woman and Susan Sarandon as an old male scientist. The inversions are done to shock but are also done so well and so naturally that you will be shocked.

I wouldnt say that I loved Cloud Atals and I do believe that it was slightly too ambitious and didnt follow through as well as it could have. The length of the film could also be off-putting but I would say that it's worth a watch. There were some emotional and thought-provoking scenes for me and I cannot discount the evident visual talent that these two filmmakers have.

Cleaning out the proverbial wardrobe.

Tomorrow I'm having a jumble sale, both as a neccessary means of living in a small two bedroom flat with no storage space and as a inauguration of the new me. The old me was clinging to 11-12 year old dresses and trying to squeeze them over a twenty- five year old body in the hope of wearing something resembling a baby-doll top. This being because I cannot let go of things.

Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.

As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends'  down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?

It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.

These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?

When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?

The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
 I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.

I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.

The New Normal

Everyone that knows me well knows that I love my cat to the point of obsession. My latest pre-occupation is that he has a little cat girlfriend who comes to visit him at our house. Her name is Muffin, she has long smoky grey fur and blue eyes, she's the perfect little lady. Very fastidious, very dainty, she never meows loudly, mostly just purs. When she comes over my cat, Jesse allows her to eat his food, they run around together, lie next to eachother, stroking eachother's faces, they nuzzle and nose kiss. Recently I witnessed the disturbing sight of Jesse actually mounting Muffin but I wasn't too worried because Jesse's neutered so no risk of unwanted pregnancy.

This morning while cleaning up I found Muffin's collar under our veggie rack. The owner's details were written on the collar so I decided to return it to them. On seeing the collar they were really grateful and Muffin's owner exclaimed "Ohmigosh! thanks! i was looking everywhere for it. I didnt know where he'd lost it!"
I'm sorry, come again? "HE"!!!!
This whole time Muffin was actually a boy and that means my kitten is a homosexual! This is not some kind of deal breaker for me but it is a shock! I didnt even know animals could be gay!
But I've been researching homosexual animals and it turns out that over 1500 animal species practice homosexual or bisexual relationships. Amazon River dolphins sometimes penetrate other males' blowholes! Male bonobo apes practice mastrubation orgies amongst the males and also amongst females. I've always been fascinated by spotted hyenas which comprise a matriarchal society in which the leader is a female with an enlarged clitoris which serves the purpose of being a fake penis. This fake penis then makes her the 'top dog' essentially hyenas are a lesbian society. Some research has found that homosexuality in animals could be caused by lower levels of testosterone in males and higher levels in females. This could explain Jesse and Muffin, Jesse was neutered when he was very young and probably hasn't been producing optimum levels of testosterone but his physique disagrees, he's an extremely big and muscular cat and a killing machine!

But  I don't really believe it is a question of hormones. I think its a question of choice. If so many animals practice homosexual behaviour by choice, that we know of, why are we so determined to explain homosexual behaviour in humans surely its nature. Most birds form mating pairs for life and of these atleast 5% are homosexual. Single females often lay their eggs in homosexual couple's nests and the homosexual couple raises the chicks! It reminds me of Ryan Murphy's new sitcom 'The New Normal'.

Either way I guess what I'm trying to say is that eventhough it was a shock to find out that my baby's gay. I'm happy for him and I think it's totally natural.

Anti-Christ : "I should have rented Minotaur"

My local video store had a special for halloween, rent a new release and get a horror for free. There were grannies poring over the synopses of 'The Devil's Rejects' and 'Zombie Cannibal Holocaust'. I had already chosen 'the last exorcism' and was now deciding between 'Minotaur' and lars von Trier's 'Anti-Christ'.
 I had always wanted to watch 'Anti-Christ' but after watching the trailer found myself too scared to even try. The plus of 'Minotaur' was that Tom Hardy is in it.

I decided on Anti-Christ.
First we watched 'The Last Exorcism' which was really good until the end which unravelled and seemed like an anti-climax. Then we decided to try Anti-christ. The prologue is enough to unsettle you, a baby falling from an open window while his unattractive parents in the form of Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg bang the hell of eachother (I saw a real penis go into a real vagina!). The grieving couple then go to an isolated cabin in the scariest woods I've ever seen, they put shelter mountain inn to shame! Dafoe puts his wife through a series of gruelling and frankly abusive therapy sessions untiln she eventually embraces the savagery of nature to such an extent that she snaps, crushes his testicles with a block of wood, jerks him off until he ejacultes blood then bolts him to the ground so that he won't leave her. After that you'd have thought he was dead but no. He drags himself into a foxhole symbolising a vagina, is betrayed by a blackbird then eventually has to lie next to his maddened wife as she performs genital mutilation on herself with a pair of scissors. Eventually he runs away only to look back and see an army of face-less women chasing him up the mountain.

If this seems like the ravings of a madman , it is! Lars von Trier is a crazy person, I say this endearingly because i'm actually a fan but this film goes too far. I feel like its saying too little for the film that it is. The savagery seems unfounded. I read that von Trier was coming out of a period of depression when he wrote the film and it is a clear to see. The mood of the film goes from sombre, to morbid to gloomy to sheer terror.

My opinion, watch the film and make up your own mind- just be prepared beforehand, I couldn't have imagined watching the film without having looked up the plot on wikipedia first.

Too Much Information!

Yesterday I went to the recycling dump to, obviously, recycle my paper, plastic and glass trash. When I noteiced an old-ish woman, the wrinkles forming fisssures in her thin skin, furiously ruffling though the various bins of plastic bottles. I decided that she couldn't be a hobo because she was driving a new mercedes benz but she certainly looked like a bag lady. I quietly slipped past her and proceeded to tip my things into the corresponding bins. I like to keep recycling a private matter and become agitated if even the people that work there interrupt me, my friend goes so far as to recycle at night because she "doesn't like anyone to see her recycle".

She came up behind me, giving me a shock! "I know you think I'm a crazy bag lady," she said (how did she know?) "but I'm collecting bottle caps for my son's class project." I guiltily looked at my own caps which now along with the bottles they were attached to were at the bottom of the large, plastics bin. "Don't worry!" she called as she dove in after them. After retrieving the caps she went on to outline the natural science syllabus at her son's school, defame the teachers who gave such short notice for projects, and the rubbish dump man who had forgotten to collect the caps for her, so that she now had to do it herself. All I could think about was, why was she telling me all this? As if to convince me, to make her story valid. But why? who cares? Would it really have mattered if I had thought she was collecting tiny little tumblers for her doll collection or making splash pools for her ant farm.

My point is we all do it, I more than anyone. I care what impression people will have of me even when I know for a fact i will never see them again. I did a secret consumer evaluation of a 5 star hotel recently. When I made the booking I clicked 'mr' instead of  'miss' on the form. When I got to the hotel to check in I had already anticipated confusion or perhaps ridicule from the staff. Before I even handed over my ID I started a long monologue which began well, with the actual story of mistakenly clicking the wrong title but ended with my affirmation that i did not have a sex change in fact I was once an over developed 9 year old who still suffered the trauma of childhood teasing. I looked up to see their shocked faces and also realised that 'too much information' was an understatement.

So I propose just do what you're doing. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone especially not strangers.