Tomorrow I'm having a jumble sale, both as a neccessary means of living in a small two bedroom flat with no storage space and as a inauguration of the new me. The old me was clinging to 11-12 year old dresses and trying to squeeze them over a twenty- five year old body in the hope of wearing something resembling a baby-doll top. This being because I cannot let go of things.
Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.
As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends' down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?
It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.
These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?
When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?
The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.
I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.
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