A friend asked me if I was a masochist yesterday. I may have been called many things but never this.
I have an extremely low pain threshold. I'm uncomfortable with the slightest change of temperature and delight in all things fluffy and cute.
I gasped at him, shocked by the accusation. Yet when he explained himself I started to understand that I may very well be a masochist. Except my pleasure comes not from whips and chains but rather the heart-wrenching thing that is emotional pain. I put myself in situations to get hurt. It's always with the same person, I can't take a hint. I make excuses for a person treating me badly and without respect. I consider myself a logical person, people come to me for advice. I may be a bit hot-headed but don't usually make impulsive or irrational decisions. I like to think that despite my penchant for daydreaming which feeds my creativity, I live in the real world.
Why then when I broke up with my ex the first time, did I think it was a plausible excuse for him to not have asked for me back within the first couple months, that the UEFA champions league was on?! I was sure that as soon as he got his soccer fix he would come running.
In my efforts to show him what he was missing I used to cook him a full slap up dinner of chicken Tikka with homemade Roti, which I slaved over for hours, even coming home early from work in order to allow myself enough preparation time, this was a mid-week dinner by the way because he wasn't able to see me during the weekend when we were just friends. I'd pretend that it was just something I put together quickly, no big deal. And he'd eat until there was chicken tikka splattered allover his shirt and staining the sides of his mouth, he'd belch, give me a hug and then leave, only contacting me again the next week when he had time to see me again. How could I think that was normal? It was so hurtful yet I did it over and over again and yes, perhaps taking pleasure in the pain my heart was feeling.
How little self-respect did I have that he could give me rules when we got back together for how often we could see eachother, how much he could give me etc. It felt like a business negotiation, I asked for more, we bartered, eventually came to an agreement, those were the terms of our relationship. Seeing eachother twice a week, not allowing our relationship to get in the way of his studying- never mind my new job. And then the excuses started. He wouldn't come over because he was studying or sick, he couldn't bear to drive to me blah blah blah.
But I excepted those things, all the time feeling so hurt and rejected but I sucked it all up.
I watched a show the other day about a woman in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. The psychologist asked her, "How much do you have to work for your friends' affection? What do you have to do to get love from them?" And she answered simply "Nothing" It's the same with me, I have friends and family that love me, that care for me, that want nothing more than to be around me. Why did I have to work so hard just to be around the man I loved.
We lived 10 minutes away from eachother and sometimes only saw eachother once a week. Everytime I put myself out there for him, showed him my vulnerability, he hurt me.
Yet why does the pain feel more addictive to me than the unconditional love I feel from my friends? It must just be my own sick personality.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Friday, 12 September 2014
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Facebook is the worst
I am contemplating the concept of committing Facebook suicide.
Facebook is like that annoying friend in a break-up who keeps telling you that they saw your ex the other day and he's looking good, he's moving on with his life and no he didn't ask about you.
I know, I know Facebook is not a living, breathing entity but it sure is a bitch.
So the first two weeks of the break-up I didn't look at said ex's Facebook profile at all like the good little girl that I am. I would however see his Facebook movements on the side bar on the right hand side of my screen. The first week he wasn't online at all- gratifying to me for the reasoning that he was probably still distraught. But then I started to feel awful and sad because no matter what I still care about him and was worried that I'd hurt him more than I realised during the fight that ended things. Then the next week he was online, quite often in fact, so I started to stress that he was chatting to people and had emerged from the break-up unscathed and ready to take on the world. Then I kept obsessively checking his photos to see that he still had the photos of us on Facebook. Every morning I'd check and if the photos were found to still exist it meant that I could get on with my day. Then, one day I checked and the photos were not there. This had me crying at my co-workers desk, which cut out 2 hours from my morning and had my digital editor, who sits next to my work friend, and I exchanging death stares between sniffles because there wasn't enough content for the website. So then the fit of crying came home and to make matters worse I then logged onto Tinder to try and take my mind of my ex but then saw my ex on Tinder so the only thing I could do was collapse on the couch, drink half a bottle of Gin, watch 'Catfish' and pass out. Ok so in this case it was even another form of social media affecting my life on such a profound level. Then the final straw came when I creeped into his Facebook profile again hoping to see the same unchanging timeline that he had since before we broke up but instead saw some girl, a new Facebook friend posting some random private joke on his wall which he commented some other random private joke on and I felt left out, I felt sad and I felt like maybe I had let something good slip away. That quickly turned to anger, in that we had properly been broken up for like two weeks and here he was already dating someone new, how little did I mean? Was it all just a lie? Was he actually looking the whole time we were together and finally he had the opportunity to pursue all these options? I felt crushed, alone, lonely and abandoned. I missed him and felt guilty for the break-up like everything had been my fault. It was in that moment that I unfriended him on Facebook, I deleted his number and started moving on with my life. But it just takes one weak moment, a pmsey fit of emotion or just a seed to start the cycle again. I started to look at his profile again- I kept checking and seeing nothing because we are no longer friends on Facebook or in real life. I sent him a message on Facebook but he didn't reply. I even tried calling him on my birthday because for the first time in three years of knowing him, he didn't even email me a birthday message. But then I suppose why would he? It so hard dealing with the loss of a relationship and people make you believe that you're an anomaly if you can't have your ex on all your social media platforms like the rest of happy 20-something society. In my mother's day it really was just about no longer seeing the person, turning your head when you saw them in public, not taking their phone calls and asking people to stop talking to you about your ex. I think we over-complicate. Why can't it be the same? I feel this crushing pain when I think of never seeing him again, I feel like I'll break into little pieces and not exist if I no longer exist to him. His silence cuts me like a knife and I know its going to take awhile for me to feel like a person away from his validation of me as a person but I just keep telling myself that there was a Varushka that existed before him and there will be one that exists after. Moving on is just so hard and social media makes it all the harder.
Facebook is like that annoying friend in a break-up who keeps telling you that they saw your ex the other day and he's looking good, he's moving on with his life and no he didn't ask about you.
I know, I know Facebook is not a living, breathing entity but it sure is a bitch.
So the first two weeks of the break-up I didn't look at said ex's Facebook profile at all like the good little girl that I am. I would however see his Facebook movements on the side bar on the right hand side of my screen. The first week he wasn't online at all- gratifying to me for the reasoning that he was probably still distraught. But then I started to feel awful and sad because no matter what I still care about him and was worried that I'd hurt him more than I realised during the fight that ended things. Then the next week he was online, quite often in fact, so I started to stress that he was chatting to people and had emerged from the break-up unscathed and ready to take on the world. Then I kept obsessively checking his photos to see that he still had the photos of us on Facebook. Every morning I'd check and if the photos were found to still exist it meant that I could get on with my day. Then, one day I checked and the photos were not there. This had me crying at my co-workers desk, which cut out 2 hours from my morning and had my digital editor, who sits next to my work friend, and I exchanging death stares between sniffles because there wasn't enough content for the website. So then the fit of crying came home and to make matters worse I then logged onto Tinder to try and take my mind of my ex but then saw my ex on Tinder so the only thing I could do was collapse on the couch, drink half a bottle of Gin, watch 'Catfish' and pass out. Ok so in this case it was even another form of social media affecting my life on such a profound level. Then the final straw came when I creeped into his Facebook profile again hoping to see the same unchanging timeline that he had since before we broke up but instead saw some girl, a new Facebook friend posting some random private joke on his wall which he commented some other random private joke on and I felt left out, I felt sad and I felt like maybe I had let something good slip away. That quickly turned to anger, in that we had properly been broken up for like two weeks and here he was already dating someone new, how little did I mean? Was it all just a lie? Was he actually looking the whole time we were together and finally he had the opportunity to pursue all these options? I felt crushed, alone, lonely and abandoned. I missed him and felt guilty for the break-up like everything had been my fault. It was in that moment that I unfriended him on Facebook, I deleted his number and started moving on with my life. But it just takes one weak moment, a pmsey fit of emotion or just a seed to start the cycle again. I started to look at his profile again- I kept checking and seeing nothing because we are no longer friends on Facebook or in real life. I sent him a message on Facebook but he didn't reply. I even tried calling him on my birthday because for the first time in three years of knowing him, he didn't even email me a birthday message. But then I suppose why would he? It so hard dealing with the loss of a relationship and people make you believe that you're an anomaly if you can't have your ex on all your social media platforms like the rest of happy 20-something society. In my mother's day it really was just about no longer seeing the person, turning your head when you saw them in public, not taking their phone calls and asking people to stop talking to you about your ex. I think we over-complicate. Why can't it be the same? I feel this crushing pain when I think of never seeing him again, I feel like I'll break into little pieces and not exist if I no longer exist to him. His silence cuts me like a knife and I know its going to take awhile for me to feel like a person away from his validation of me as a person but I just keep telling myself that there was a Varushka that existed before him and there will be one that exists after. Moving on is just so hard and social media makes it all the harder.
Friday, 7 December 2012
Cleaning out the proverbial wardrobe.
Tomorrow I'm having a jumble sale, both as a neccessary means of living in a small two bedroom flat with no storage space and as a inauguration of the new me. The old me was clinging to 11-12 year old dresses and trying to squeeze them over a twenty- five year old body in the hope of wearing something resembling a baby-doll top. This being because I cannot let go of things.
Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.
As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends' down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?
It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.
These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?
When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?
The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.
I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.
Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.
As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends' down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?
It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.
These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?
When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?
The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.
I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.
Friday, 3 August 2012
Two things you've just got to do alone.
I'm the kind of person who shares my personal life with the world, which is the main reason why I even have a blog. Apart from that I'm known as the 'overshare' person, with all my friends. So whenever I have the slightist difficulty in life or have even a single crazy thought in my mind it spews forth from my mouth to anyone, family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, cashiers at Pick and Pay...
But I was thinking that there really are two major events in your life that, while you may want support, you cannot have it and really need to go through it alone.
The first one being your learners or drivers test. When I was in university I still hadn't totally ironed out my theory but I had a premonition that it wouldnt be good to go in a big, noisy group to the testing centre to write our learners. I opted to do it in secret, over the holidays so that none of my friends would know either way, much like a secret nose job. However all my other friends decided to make a day of it. Well the inevitable happened, everyone passed except for one and it was super awkward, super weird and no one could celebrate because they all felt so bad for the one that didnt make it. I chose right because as it turned out I failed my learners twice! My embarrassment was no less than my friends because literally five minutes before I got the failed result of my first learners test my mom, while trying to console me over the phone said 'Don't worry Varu, any idiot can get their learners'
The other thing that one should never ever, under any circumstances do with a group of friends, no matter how scary it can be, is go for an STD or AIDs test. I can think of multiple ways in which this could go so horribly wrong. For that matter you should probably not even tell your friends that you're going for an STD test because then everyone's on the edge of their seat till the end of the week, when you get your results back. And i personally would much rather avoid awkward phonecalls that start with "So....?". On a side note, a friend of mine recently went to get tested for HPV, which she told us all about. So in this case I was the one making the awkward phonecall to find out if everything was alright. She said that the doctor said that if she had HPV he would call her on Thursday, if he didnt call then she didnt have anything. Surely this should not be standard practice! I mean wouldnt you want a stamped and signed certificate of you not having an STD. I dont believe anything until its on paper. I mean for all the anxiety and not to mention physical discomfort that you have to go through to get tested, I think I would want an STD graduation and get a diploma for having a clean bill of health. A phonecall is just not sufficient.
But I was thinking that there really are two major events in your life that, while you may want support, you cannot have it and really need to go through it alone.
The first one being your learners or drivers test. When I was in university I still hadn't totally ironed out my theory but I had a premonition that it wouldnt be good to go in a big, noisy group to the testing centre to write our learners. I opted to do it in secret, over the holidays so that none of my friends would know either way, much like a secret nose job. However all my other friends decided to make a day of it. Well the inevitable happened, everyone passed except for one and it was super awkward, super weird and no one could celebrate because they all felt so bad for the one that didnt make it. I chose right because as it turned out I failed my learners twice! My embarrassment was no less than my friends because literally five minutes before I got the failed result of my first learners test my mom, while trying to console me over the phone said 'Don't worry Varu, any idiot can get their learners'
The other thing that one should never ever, under any circumstances do with a group of friends, no matter how scary it can be, is go for an STD or AIDs test. I can think of multiple ways in which this could go so horribly wrong. For that matter you should probably not even tell your friends that you're going for an STD test because then everyone's on the edge of their seat till the end of the week, when you get your results back. And i personally would much rather avoid awkward phonecalls that start with "So....?". On a side note, a friend of mine recently went to get tested for HPV, which she told us all about. So in this case I was the one making the awkward phonecall to find out if everything was alright. She said that the doctor said that if she had HPV he would call her on Thursday, if he didnt call then she didnt have anything. Surely this should not be standard practice! I mean wouldnt you want a stamped and signed certificate of you not having an STD. I dont believe anything until its on paper. I mean for all the anxiety and not to mention physical discomfort that you have to go through to get tested, I think I would want an STD graduation and get a diploma for having a clean bill of health. A phonecall is just not sufficient.
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