I am contemplating the concept of committing Facebook suicide.
Facebook is like that annoying friend in a break-up who keeps telling you that they saw your ex the other day and he's looking good, he's moving on with his life and no he didn't ask about you.
I know, I know Facebook is not a living, breathing entity but it sure is a bitch.
So the first two weeks of the break-up I didn't look at said ex's Facebook profile at all like the good little girl that I am. I would however see his Facebook movements on the side bar on the right hand side of my screen. The first week he wasn't online at all- gratifying to me for the reasoning that he was probably still distraught. But then I started to feel awful and sad because no matter what I still care about him and was worried that I'd hurt him more than I realised during the fight that ended things. Then the next week he was online, quite often in fact, so I started to stress that he was chatting to people and had emerged from the break-up unscathed and ready to take on the world. Then I kept obsessively checking his photos to see that he still had the photos of us on Facebook. Every morning I'd check and if the photos were found to still exist it meant that I could get on with my day. Then, one day I checked and the photos were not there. This had me crying at my co-workers desk, which cut out 2 hours from my morning and had my digital editor, who sits next to my work friend, and I exchanging death stares between sniffles because there wasn't enough content for the website. So then the fit of crying came home and to make matters worse I then logged onto Tinder to try and take my mind of my ex but then saw my ex on Tinder so the only thing I could do was collapse on the couch, drink half a bottle of Gin, watch 'Catfish' and pass out. Ok so in this case it was even another form of social media affecting my life on such a profound level. Then the final straw came when I creeped into his Facebook profile again hoping to see the same unchanging timeline that he had since before we broke up but instead saw some girl, a new Facebook friend posting some random private joke on his wall which he commented some other random private joke on and I felt left out, I felt sad and I felt like maybe I had let something good slip away. That quickly turned to anger, in that we had properly been broken up for like two weeks and here he was already dating someone new, how little did I mean? Was it all just a lie? Was he actually looking the whole time we were together and finally he had the opportunity to pursue all these options? I felt crushed, alone, lonely and abandoned. I missed him and felt guilty for the break-up like everything had been my fault. It was in that moment that I unfriended him on Facebook, I deleted his number and started moving on with my life. But it just takes one weak moment, a pmsey fit of emotion or just a seed to start the cycle again. I started to look at his profile again- I kept checking and seeing nothing because we are no longer friends on Facebook or in real life. I sent him a message on Facebook but he didn't reply. I even tried calling him on my birthday because for the first time in three years of knowing him, he didn't even email me a birthday message. But then I suppose why would he? It so hard dealing with the loss of a relationship and people make you believe that you're an anomaly if you can't have your ex on all your social media platforms like the rest of happy 20-something society. In my mother's day it really was just about no longer seeing the person, turning your head when you saw them in public, not taking their phone calls and asking people to stop talking to you about your ex. I think we over-complicate. Why can't it be the same? I feel this crushing pain when I think of never seeing him again, I feel like I'll break into little pieces and not exist if I no longer exist to him. His silence cuts me like a knife and I know its going to take awhile for me to feel like a person away from his validation of me as a person but I just keep telling myself that there was a Varushka that existed before him and there will be one that exists after. Moving on is just so hard and social media makes it all the harder.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Where I want to be
I really want to take a new direction for this blog.
I started trying to chronicle a whole variety of different things from my perspective, movie reviews, food reviews, funny anecdotes. It just didn't match up to anything coherent.
I recently stumbled on a blog called Baggage Reclaim (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) which has changed my entire outlook on life. I realise that sometimes we go through difficult things in our lives and sometimes we are forced to look inwardly and see that there are aspects of our personality that need to change in order to achieve happiness.
We may have good friends in our lives and family members willing to put it all on the line for you but sometimes it makes less of a difference what these people say than you making that change yourself.
By reading stories of women who were able to build themselves up after being broken down I've been able to look at myself and realise that there are so many things that I've never dealt with in myself.
I never understood why people place so much emphasis on relationships, why break-ups are such a big deal.
I realise now that being in a relationship, especially one that you're totally invested in means having to share yourself and having to stare at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Many people feel like they lose themselves in a relationship or that they learned things they never knew about themselves.
As you know by now I've just been through a break-up which shook me to the core because he was my first love.
This has prompted me to go on a journey of finding out who I am and what I want.
I feel like I need to rediscover myself, or even find out who I was to begin with.
I want to tackle issues like self-esteem, complacency, loneliness, compatibility and love, both self-love and external love.
I invite you all to come on this journey with me and share your own thoughts on happiness, love and discovering one's self.
I started trying to chronicle a whole variety of different things from my perspective, movie reviews, food reviews, funny anecdotes. It just didn't match up to anything coherent.
I recently stumbled on a blog called Baggage Reclaim (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) which has changed my entire outlook on life. I realise that sometimes we go through difficult things in our lives and sometimes we are forced to look inwardly and see that there are aspects of our personality that need to change in order to achieve happiness.
We may have good friends in our lives and family members willing to put it all on the line for you but sometimes it makes less of a difference what these people say than you making that change yourself.
By reading stories of women who were able to build themselves up after being broken down I've been able to look at myself and realise that there are so many things that I've never dealt with in myself.
I never understood why people place so much emphasis on relationships, why break-ups are such a big deal.
I realise now that being in a relationship, especially one that you're totally invested in means having to share yourself and having to stare at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Many people feel like they lose themselves in a relationship or that they learned things they never knew about themselves.
As you know by now I've just been through a break-up which shook me to the core because he was my first love.
This has prompted me to go on a journey of finding out who I am and what I want.
I feel like I need to rediscover myself, or even find out who I was to begin with.
I want to tackle issues like self-esteem, complacency, loneliness, compatibility and love, both self-love and external love.
I invite you all to come on this journey with me and share your own thoughts on happiness, love and discovering one's self.
Thursday, 5 June 2014
Cut off the limb
My mom told me a story to help me get over my break-up. It went like this...
Before she met my father she was in a relationship with what she belived to be the perfect man caring, fun, attentive, handsome. Her friends told her he was cheating on her but she didn't believe it until they forced her to go to a matinee screening at the local cinema. She gradually realised that she was sitting behind her boyfriend who was sitting next to another girl. She had to sit put for an entire three hour Hindi movie while the man she thought she loved cuddled and kissed a girl that wasn't her.
So I asked her what she did. "I ignored him when I saw him in the street, I didn't take any of his calls and after a few weeks I stopped crying and three months later I met your father," she said.
So why is it that I find it so hard to cut ties?
I've emailed, smsed, called all to ask for closure. I mean we split up on a break but a break is always a break-up. If you need a break from the person you love it means that you don't really love them. I've been stressing out that I'm the bad guy, the one who caused all the strife, the unreasonable one. My ex made me believe that I emotionally broke him, made him feel like dirt and broke his heart beyond repair. The first blow came when I decided that I needed to start thinking about dating again. Checked out Tinder and saw him already on there. Then I see that he's flirting with a girl on Facebook and that really tipped me over the edge. All this time that I've been feeling guilty and feeling awful he moved on within less than a month. I guess three years didn't make that much of a lasting impression.
I was so upset. I was upset to the point that I cried like a baby in my car and a hobo looked at me like I was pathetic. And then I realised what was the point of feeling bad when I had caused my own sadness. I'm not as strong as those people who can maintain all the rules and regulations of Facebook. I can't be friends with him on Facebook and not look at what's going on and what's the point of being friends on Facebook anyway, we're not friends in real life. And why should I have his number just to keep telling myself not to text and call him. Back in my mom's day the extent of losing a number was throwing the slip of paper over the balcony or tearing it into pieces. They didn't text then check every 2 minutes if the message had been read. So I deleted his number off my phone, I blocked him on whatsapp, I blocked him on google chat, which I never even used before. I thought I'd feel sad and maybe I still will but right now I feel relieved, I feel free that I never have to know where he is or what he's doing. He was my first love, I guess I can remember the good times and what I took away from the relationship but I can't remember him. His face, his voice, his smell they all need to fade into time like your grandmothers worn sofas which suggest the pattern of roses but you can't quite be sure or ever confirm that's what they were.
Before she met my father she was in a relationship with what she belived to be the perfect man caring, fun, attentive, handsome. Her friends told her he was cheating on her but she didn't believe it until they forced her to go to a matinee screening at the local cinema. She gradually realised that she was sitting behind her boyfriend who was sitting next to another girl. She had to sit put for an entire three hour Hindi movie while the man she thought she loved cuddled and kissed a girl that wasn't her.
So I asked her what she did. "I ignored him when I saw him in the street, I didn't take any of his calls and after a few weeks I stopped crying and three months later I met your father," she said.
So why is it that I find it so hard to cut ties?
I've emailed, smsed, called all to ask for closure. I mean we split up on a break but a break is always a break-up. If you need a break from the person you love it means that you don't really love them. I've been stressing out that I'm the bad guy, the one who caused all the strife, the unreasonable one. My ex made me believe that I emotionally broke him, made him feel like dirt and broke his heart beyond repair. The first blow came when I decided that I needed to start thinking about dating again. Checked out Tinder and saw him already on there. Then I see that he's flirting with a girl on Facebook and that really tipped me over the edge. All this time that I've been feeling guilty and feeling awful he moved on within less than a month. I guess three years didn't make that much of a lasting impression.
I was so upset. I was upset to the point that I cried like a baby in my car and a hobo looked at me like I was pathetic. And then I realised what was the point of feeling bad when I had caused my own sadness. I'm not as strong as those people who can maintain all the rules and regulations of Facebook. I can't be friends with him on Facebook and not look at what's going on and what's the point of being friends on Facebook anyway, we're not friends in real life. And why should I have his number just to keep telling myself not to text and call him. Back in my mom's day the extent of losing a number was throwing the slip of paper over the balcony or tearing it into pieces. They didn't text then check every 2 minutes if the message had been read. So I deleted his number off my phone, I blocked him on whatsapp, I blocked him on google chat, which I never even used before. I thought I'd feel sad and maybe I still will but right now I feel relieved, I feel free that I never have to know where he is or what he's doing. He was my first love, I guess I can remember the good times and what I took away from the relationship but I can't remember him. His face, his voice, his smell they all need to fade into time like your grandmothers worn sofas which suggest the pattern of roses but you can't quite be sure or ever confirm that's what they were.
Monday, 19 May 2014
Why can't I get over you?
Break-ups are so common place. It is estimated that the average person will go through six break-ups in their lives. Everyday I hear about people breaking up and making up, I watch movies about it, I especially watch weird slow motion music videos about it where a hot video girl runs down a road or throws a vase of flowers at the singer.
But why does it hurt so much when it happens to you?
I've tried to isolate the emotions so that I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
1. Ego
A relationship ending is first and foremost a huge upper cut to the ego. You want to believe that you did everything right and were a very good girlfriend. You want to believe that you tried your hardest so when someone says that they don't want to be with you anymore its difficult to accept. You also feel really small because trust me atleast every person in your workplace, extended family and even car guards at your usual shopping centre will ask where your significant other is and then you'll have to repeat over and over and over again that you and him broke up.
2. There goes the Eurotrip
Most of all its a loss of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations. You feel lost and unable to figure out what you want and how to go about doing it because so much of your relationship focused on the future. There would have often been conversations like "One day when we're rich we'll book that Eurotrip for the two of us." or "One day we'll get a nice two-bed with a small garden." Down to 'We totally have to watch X Men when it comes out!" So now all of a sudden you don't know who you're going to do these things with or even worse if you even still want to do them.
3. Weather for cuddling
It sucks when you get home and usually your significant other might come over and you guys wouldn't do anything but lie in front of the TV and cuddle. Somehow you didn't feel like a hermit when you were doing that with him but doing it alone makes you feel like a crazy cat lady. There seems to be so many hours to fill yet when you think about it the two of you did very little. You stayed in bed till 11am on a Sunday, you ate, went back to bed, ate again, watched Carte Blanche and the 8 o' clock movie and then went back to bed. So howcome Sunday feels like an arid desert of nothingness without him?
4. Mindpower
You convince yourself, when your in a relationship, that your significant other knows your mind. He has some strange voodoo that allows him to know exactly what you're thinking, allows him to see when you're angry or hurt. He knew just how to calm you down and make you feel better. He told you, you were beautiful and made you feel like the smartest person in the world. He was always there when you needed him. If I'm honest I guess we wouldn't be broken up if he knew me that well, he'd have seen how unhappy I was and him not being there for me wouldn't have been one of the reasons we always fought but no matter how bad I know it was it just downright sucks not having someone like that to text, or call or post on their Facebook wall.
But why does it hurt so much when it happens to you?
I've tried to isolate the emotions so that I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
1. Ego
A relationship ending is first and foremost a huge upper cut to the ego. You want to believe that you did everything right and were a very good girlfriend. You want to believe that you tried your hardest so when someone says that they don't want to be with you anymore its difficult to accept. You also feel really small because trust me atleast every person in your workplace, extended family and even car guards at your usual shopping centre will ask where your significant other is and then you'll have to repeat over and over and over again that you and him broke up.
2. There goes the Eurotrip
Most of all its a loss of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations. You feel lost and unable to figure out what you want and how to go about doing it because so much of your relationship focused on the future. There would have often been conversations like "One day when we're rich we'll book that Eurotrip for the two of us." or "One day we'll get a nice two-bed with a small garden." Down to 'We totally have to watch X Men when it comes out!" So now all of a sudden you don't know who you're going to do these things with or even worse if you even still want to do them.
3. Weather for cuddling
It sucks when you get home and usually your significant other might come over and you guys wouldn't do anything but lie in front of the TV and cuddle. Somehow you didn't feel like a hermit when you were doing that with him but doing it alone makes you feel like a crazy cat lady. There seems to be so many hours to fill yet when you think about it the two of you did very little. You stayed in bed till 11am on a Sunday, you ate, went back to bed, ate again, watched Carte Blanche and the 8 o' clock movie and then went back to bed. So howcome Sunday feels like an arid desert of nothingness without him?
4. Mindpower
You convince yourself, when your in a relationship, that your significant other knows your mind. He has some strange voodoo that allows him to know exactly what you're thinking, allows him to see when you're angry or hurt. He knew just how to calm you down and make you feel better. He told you, you were beautiful and made you feel like the smartest person in the world. He was always there when you needed him. If I'm honest I guess we wouldn't be broken up if he knew me that well, he'd have seen how unhappy I was and him not being there for me wouldn't have been one of the reasons we always fought but no matter how bad I know it was it just downright sucks not having someone like that to text, or call or post on their Facebook wall.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
The biggest heartbreak
What's worse than breaking up? What's worse than being called a monster? What's worse than your boyfriend telling you he needs space "to heal" because you've hurt him so very much?
I'll tell you, its when you call to hear his voice because you've been going through the most stressful time ever and he says "I just can't be there for you right now, I need to focus on myself."
Tell me if this sounds like I'm a monster...
My boyfriend has been sick for a month straight. No don't worry he doesn't have cancer. He got flu, then he got an eye infection, then he got cocksackie virus (look it up I didn't know it even existed) then he got gastro flu. I'm moving from the house I've lived in for four years with a very fussy cat and a painfully sentimental personality that makes me shiver in anxiety at the mention of any form of change.
I left for the weekend to see my family who I haven't seen in months. He dropped me off at the airport.
I had a lovely weekend, family drama aside and was really depressed and sad about leaving knowing the time of moving was looming, getting closer and closer.
I was already at the airport when I get a message from him telling me that he can't pick me up because his legs are extremely painful and he's nauseous and feverish but he's going to send his brother. I was worried but I thought, ok this is the cocksackie virus again. Shame my poor darling I hope he's ok. I was grateful he asked his brother but was kind of sad that I wouldn't see him when I got off the plane.
I got to Johannesburg and he didn't even send me a message to see if I got home safe. The next day he managed to inform me that he couldnt come over because he was too sick, I appreciated that because cancelling last minute is a big thing for me. But he couldn't even say I miss you? I love you?
Tuesday he still didn't ask me, yes sure the obligatory 'how r u doin?' on whatsapp. Oh yes did I mention I hadn't spoken to him in almost a week- apparently the only way we could communicate was on whatsapp. Let me also explain that when he;s sick I'm not allowed to go over to his place because he prefers being alone.
So by Wednesday when we were still speaking on Whatsapp I lost it. I knew I was being mean but I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him rather not come to help us move because my dad would be angry if he couldn't lift stuff on the day or cancelled on the day. Yes I know it wasn't the right time but was I wrong?
He totally went apeshit! Sending me all Caps messages over whatsapp- I thought I was in for a Carrie-like rage.
Ok so lets skip to the conclusion. He doesnt feel safe with me, he thinks I make him feel pathetic and weak, I need to not be so cold and just understand that he's the sickest and unluckiest guy in the world (oh but God forbid I call him sickly!) I apparently have tons of issues that he can't help me with anymore and he needs to be alone so that he's not at risk anymore.
I tell you what i think by now he's spontaneously grown about three vaginas in secret places around his body.
Oh wait the last statement actually just turned his entire head into a giant vagina- "I just can't be there for you right now, I need to focus on myself."
Goodbye to weak men, girls. I'm not being sexist here but seriously be as strong as you can be, don't indulge in illness because your partner can't handle things. Don't date a guy who's looking for a mother. A girlfriend and a mother are too different things. He thinks I placed expectations on him? I'm 26-fucking-years old and I was having a teenage romance where we saw eachother twice a week and messaged a few times a week over whatsapp. I never dragged him to any of my media events unless he wanted to come (yes free stays at the Palazzo hotel as part of the media team are just too good to pass up), I never forced him to be with my friends or family, I never asked for flowers, holidays, anything. That's it I'm done. Look at the expectations he's put on me! To sit quietly and be waiting silently in the shadows until he got better, to understand things that were in conflict with my own upbringing, to have a relationship on only his terms.
I tell you, I am done.
I'll tell you, its when you call to hear his voice because you've been going through the most stressful time ever and he says "I just can't be there for you right now, I need to focus on myself."
Tell me if this sounds like I'm a monster...
My boyfriend has been sick for a month straight. No don't worry he doesn't have cancer. He got flu, then he got an eye infection, then he got cocksackie virus (look it up I didn't know it even existed) then he got gastro flu. I'm moving from the house I've lived in for four years with a very fussy cat and a painfully sentimental personality that makes me shiver in anxiety at the mention of any form of change.
I left for the weekend to see my family who I haven't seen in months. He dropped me off at the airport.
I had a lovely weekend, family drama aside and was really depressed and sad about leaving knowing the time of moving was looming, getting closer and closer.
I was already at the airport when I get a message from him telling me that he can't pick me up because his legs are extremely painful and he's nauseous and feverish but he's going to send his brother. I was worried but I thought, ok this is the cocksackie virus again. Shame my poor darling I hope he's ok. I was grateful he asked his brother but was kind of sad that I wouldn't see him when I got off the plane.
I got to Johannesburg and he didn't even send me a message to see if I got home safe. The next day he managed to inform me that he couldnt come over because he was too sick, I appreciated that because cancelling last minute is a big thing for me. But he couldn't even say I miss you? I love you?
Tuesday he still didn't ask me, yes sure the obligatory 'how r u doin?' on whatsapp. Oh yes did I mention I hadn't spoken to him in almost a week- apparently the only way we could communicate was on whatsapp. Let me also explain that when he;s sick I'm not allowed to go over to his place because he prefers being alone.
So by Wednesday when we were still speaking on Whatsapp I lost it. I knew I was being mean but I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him rather not come to help us move because my dad would be angry if he couldn't lift stuff on the day or cancelled on the day. Yes I know it wasn't the right time but was I wrong?
He totally went apeshit! Sending me all Caps messages over whatsapp- I thought I was in for a Carrie-like rage.
Ok so lets skip to the conclusion. He doesnt feel safe with me, he thinks I make him feel pathetic and weak, I need to not be so cold and just understand that he's the sickest and unluckiest guy in the world (oh but God forbid I call him sickly!) I apparently have tons of issues that he can't help me with anymore and he needs to be alone so that he's not at risk anymore.
I tell you what i think by now he's spontaneously grown about three vaginas in secret places around his body.
Oh wait the last statement actually just turned his entire head into a giant vagina- "I just can't be there for you right now, I need to focus on myself."
Goodbye to weak men, girls. I'm not being sexist here but seriously be as strong as you can be, don't indulge in illness because your partner can't handle things. Don't date a guy who's looking for a mother. A girlfriend and a mother are too different things. He thinks I placed expectations on him? I'm 26-fucking-years old and I was having a teenage romance where we saw eachother twice a week and messaged a few times a week over whatsapp. I never dragged him to any of my media events unless he wanted to come (yes free stays at the Palazzo hotel as part of the media team are just too good to pass up), I never forced him to be with my friends or family, I never asked for flowers, holidays, anything. That's it I'm done. Look at the expectations he's put on me! To sit quietly and be waiting silently in the shadows until he got better, to understand things that were in conflict with my own upbringing, to have a relationship on only his terms.
I tell you, I am done.
Friday, 7 December 2012
Cleaning out the proverbial wardrobe.
Tomorrow I'm having a jumble sale, both as a neccessary means of living in a small two bedroom flat with no storage space and as a inauguration of the new me. The old me was clinging to 11-12 year old dresses and trying to squeeze them over a twenty- five year old body in the hope of wearing something resembling a baby-doll top. This being because I cannot let go of things.
Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.
As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends' down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?
It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.
These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?
When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?
The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.
I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.
Included in my jumble sale are such items as the grey jacket that never once, not even in the actual store, fitted me properly, the ankle boots that made my feet bleed and the necklace which caused me to break out in a rash. why do I have things that hurt me so much still living in my wardrobe, because quite simply I'm the kind of girl that tries to make a bad thing work. I fear the unknown so I'd rather stick to the theoretically comfortable dress that makes me look like a circus bear. I'm not masochistic though, I think I'm just hopeful.
As with so many things in life the cleaning out of my wardrobe for this sale made me think about the other aspects of my life that need cleaning out. Mainly what I've been thinking about is cleaning my proverbial wardrobe out of people that no longer mean much to me, have hurt me and continue to do so or just serve no purpose in my life anymore. Lots of my friends have a facebook springclean where they edit their 'friends' down to people they've had some form of verbal communication with. But what about all those people in your life hanging around you, sometimes 'close' friends who continually disappoint you, who have that special way of making you cry or take so much from you without giving anything back?
It's just like those clothes in your wardrobe that you know you need to get rid off. The shirt with a button missing that is so gorgeous and you wish you could wear it but if only it just had that one button then it would be perfect! The dress that grabs a bit of your skin in its zipper everytime you zip it up. It doesnt fit anymore, once it looked beautiful on you. But times have changed and it no longer fits you as well as it once did.
These are those friends in your life that maybe need to be expelled or cut off in some way. What masochistic pleasure can one possibly get from trying on the same jeans over and over and finding that its always just too damn tight? It makes you look horrible, it makes you feel horrible so why keep it around when you could have jeans that make you look and feel like a movie star?
When it comes to friends, for me there are only two things that depending on which way its going will either gain my admiration of a friend or make me upset and disappointed with them.
One is that they give to me as much as I give to them. This seems like a cliche but it is one of the most important things in any relationship. As human beings we experience things only in relation to ourselves. To not receive the same amount of affection, praise, time etc as you are giving someone else will disappoint anyone but it is a particular bone of contention for me. I left home when I was 17 and often i was travelling alone, staying with friends, away from my family. Therefore, in many ways, friends have become part of my family. This is why giving and receiving is so important to me. I would expect it from my parents, sibling and cousins, why should friends be exempt?
The second thing that disappoints me in my friend relationships is the lack of showing up. I always show up, if a friend needs my help or support I'll always find a way to be there. I have so many friends who will do the same and I admire that immensely. For my twenty-fourth brithday my sister planned a suprise party for me. It worked so well and I never suspected a thing because my sister's elaborate plan was to be nonchalant about my birthday and allow me to plan my own little dinner except that none of my friends could make it. They all had excuses and other plans. The day before my birthday I cried for hours with my sister about how all they needed to do was show up and they couldnt even do that!
I can't even explain the emotion I felt when on the day of my birthday I walked into a room filled with all my friends that had told me they couldnt come, they all showed up!
I just dont understand the type of friend who doesnt show up just for the sake of it when just showing up would mean so much and cost so little.
I think that if this jumble sale has taught me one thing its the importance of cleaning out one's proverbial wardrobe. Just like the zip that won't go up, it doesnt mean that just because it doesnt fit you it won't fit someone else. Maybe someone else will love it, it's just not right for you anymore and sadly maybe it was never right for you at all.
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