A friend asked me if I was a masochist yesterday. I may have been called many things but never this.
I have an extremely low pain threshold. I'm uncomfortable with the slightest change of temperature and delight in all things fluffy and cute.
I gasped at him, shocked by the accusation. Yet when he explained himself I started to understand that I may very well be a masochist. Except my pleasure comes not from whips and chains but rather the heart-wrenching thing that is emotional pain. I put myself in situations to get hurt. It's always with the same person, I can't take a hint. I make excuses for a person treating me badly and without respect. I consider myself a logical person, people come to me for advice. I may be a bit hot-headed but don't usually make impulsive or irrational decisions. I like to think that despite my penchant for daydreaming which feeds my creativity, I live in the real world.
Why then when I broke up with my ex the first time, did I think it was a plausible excuse for him to not have asked for me back within the first couple months, that the UEFA champions league was on?! I was sure that as soon as he got his soccer fix he would come running.
In my efforts to show him what he was missing I used to cook him a full slap up dinner of chicken Tikka with homemade Roti, which I slaved over for hours, even coming home early from work in order to allow myself enough preparation time, this was a mid-week dinner by the way because he wasn't able to see me during the weekend when we were just friends. I'd pretend that it was just something I put together quickly, no big deal. And he'd eat until there was chicken tikka splattered allover his shirt and staining the sides of his mouth, he'd belch, give me a hug and then leave, only contacting me again the next week when he had time to see me again. How could I think that was normal? It was so hurtful yet I did it over and over again and yes, perhaps taking pleasure in the pain my heart was feeling.
How little self-respect did I have that he could give me rules when we got back together for how often we could see eachother, how much he could give me etc. It felt like a business negotiation, I asked for more, we bartered, eventually came to an agreement, those were the terms of our relationship. Seeing eachother twice a week, not allowing our relationship to get in the way of his studying- never mind my new job. And then the excuses started. He wouldn't come over because he was studying or sick, he couldn't bear to drive to me blah blah blah.
But I excepted those things, all the time feeling so hurt and rejected but I sucked it all up.
I watched a show the other day about a woman in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. The psychologist asked her, "How much do you have to work for your friends' affection? What do you have to do to get love from them?" And she answered simply "Nothing" It's the same with me, I have friends and family that love me, that care for me, that want nothing more than to be around me. Why did I have to work so hard just to be around the man I loved.
We lived 10 minutes away from eachother and sometimes only saw eachother once a week. Everytime I put myself out there for him, showed him my vulnerability, he hurt me.
Yet why does the pain feel more addictive to me than the unconditional love I feel from my friends? It must just be my own sick personality.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, 12 September 2014
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Razbliuto
'Razbliuto' is a Russian word to describe that empty feeling you have for someone you once loved, but no longer love.
I've been asking myself if what I'm feeling is Razbliuto. I oscillate between yes, no and maybe. On one hand I feel like no definitely not because I'm still in love with my ex. I must be he was my first love and will always occupy that place in my heart. I still remember the good times, the time we spent together, the feeling of comfort and happiness. But then I think that maybe I remember these things with disappointment. Disappointment that it didn;t continue, disappointment that I can't see him again, disappointment that it never worked out. Perhaps Razbliuto is disappointment. What is more hollow than the hollowness of loss? What is more desolate than the desolation of unfulfilled hopes and dreams? When I think of a broken relationship I think of the vastness of a Siberian wasteland. A place which once contained the foundations of a life and now exists for the sole reason of reminding you what you failed at.
I've been asking myself if what I'm feeling is Razbliuto. I oscillate between yes, no and maybe. On one hand I feel like no definitely not because I'm still in love with my ex. I must be he was my first love and will always occupy that place in my heart. I still remember the good times, the time we spent together, the feeling of comfort and happiness. But then I think that maybe I remember these things with disappointment. Disappointment that it didn;t continue, disappointment that I can't see him again, disappointment that it never worked out. Perhaps Razbliuto is disappointment. What is more hollow than the hollowness of loss? What is more desolate than the desolation of unfulfilled hopes and dreams? When I think of a broken relationship I think of the vastness of a Siberian wasteland. A place which once contained the foundations of a life and now exists for the sole reason of reminding you what you failed at.
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Where I want to be
I really want to take a new direction for this blog.
I started trying to chronicle a whole variety of different things from my perspective, movie reviews, food reviews, funny anecdotes. It just didn't match up to anything coherent.
I recently stumbled on a blog called Baggage Reclaim (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) which has changed my entire outlook on life. I realise that sometimes we go through difficult things in our lives and sometimes we are forced to look inwardly and see that there are aspects of our personality that need to change in order to achieve happiness.
We may have good friends in our lives and family members willing to put it all on the line for you but sometimes it makes less of a difference what these people say than you making that change yourself.
By reading stories of women who were able to build themselves up after being broken down I've been able to look at myself and realise that there are so many things that I've never dealt with in myself.
I never understood why people place so much emphasis on relationships, why break-ups are such a big deal.
I realise now that being in a relationship, especially one that you're totally invested in means having to share yourself and having to stare at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Many people feel like they lose themselves in a relationship or that they learned things they never knew about themselves.
As you know by now I've just been through a break-up which shook me to the core because he was my first love.
This has prompted me to go on a journey of finding out who I am and what I want.
I feel like I need to rediscover myself, or even find out who I was to begin with.
I want to tackle issues like self-esteem, complacency, loneliness, compatibility and love, both self-love and external love.
I invite you all to come on this journey with me and share your own thoughts on happiness, love and discovering one's self.
I started trying to chronicle a whole variety of different things from my perspective, movie reviews, food reviews, funny anecdotes. It just didn't match up to anything coherent.
I recently stumbled on a blog called Baggage Reclaim (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) which has changed my entire outlook on life. I realise that sometimes we go through difficult things in our lives and sometimes we are forced to look inwardly and see that there are aspects of our personality that need to change in order to achieve happiness.
We may have good friends in our lives and family members willing to put it all on the line for you but sometimes it makes less of a difference what these people say than you making that change yourself.
By reading stories of women who were able to build themselves up after being broken down I've been able to look at myself and realise that there are so many things that I've never dealt with in myself.
I never understood why people place so much emphasis on relationships, why break-ups are such a big deal.
I realise now that being in a relationship, especially one that you're totally invested in means having to share yourself and having to stare at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Many people feel like they lose themselves in a relationship or that they learned things they never knew about themselves.
As you know by now I've just been through a break-up which shook me to the core because he was my first love.
This has prompted me to go on a journey of finding out who I am and what I want.
I feel like I need to rediscover myself, or even find out who I was to begin with.
I want to tackle issues like self-esteem, complacency, loneliness, compatibility and love, both self-love and external love.
I invite you all to come on this journey with me and share your own thoughts on happiness, love and discovering one's self.
Monday, 19 May 2014
Why can't I get over you?
Break-ups are so common place. It is estimated that the average person will go through six break-ups in their lives. Everyday I hear about people breaking up and making up, I watch movies about it, I especially watch weird slow motion music videos about it where a hot video girl runs down a road or throws a vase of flowers at the singer.
But why does it hurt so much when it happens to you?
I've tried to isolate the emotions so that I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
1. Ego
A relationship ending is first and foremost a huge upper cut to the ego. You want to believe that you did everything right and were a very good girlfriend. You want to believe that you tried your hardest so when someone says that they don't want to be with you anymore its difficult to accept. You also feel really small because trust me atleast every person in your workplace, extended family and even car guards at your usual shopping centre will ask where your significant other is and then you'll have to repeat over and over and over again that you and him broke up.
2. There goes the Eurotrip
Most of all its a loss of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations. You feel lost and unable to figure out what you want and how to go about doing it because so much of your relationship focused on the future. There would have often been conversations like "One day when we're rich we'll book that Eurotrip for the two of us." or "One day we'll get a nice two-bed with a small garden." Down to 'We totally have to watch X Men when it comes out!" So now all of a sudden you don't know who you're going to do these things with or even worse if you even still want to do them.
3. Weather for cuddling
It sucks when you get home and usually your significant other might come over and you guys wouldn't do anything but lie in front of the TV and cuddle. Somehow you didn't feel like a hermit when you were doing that with him but doing it alone makes you feel like a crazy cat lady. There seems to be so many hours to fill yet when you think about it the two of you did very little. You stayed in bed till 11am on a Sunday, you ate, went back to bed, ate again, watched Carte Blanche and the 8 o' clock movie and then went back to bed. So howcome Sunday feels like an arid desert of nothingness without him?
4. Mindpower
You convince yourself, when your in a relationship, that your significant other knows your mind. He has some strange voodoo that allows him to know exactly what you're thinking, allows him to see when you're angry or hurt. He knew just how to calm you down and make you feel better. He told you, you were beautiful and made you feel like the smartest person in the world. He was always there when you needed him. If I'm honest I guess we wouldn't be broken up if he knew me that well, he'd have seen how unhappy I was and him not being there for me wouldn't have been one of the reasons we always fought but no matter how bad I know it was it just downright sucks not having someone like that to text, or call or post on their Facebook wall.
But why does it hurt so much when it happens to you?
I've tried to isolate the emotions so that I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
1. Ego
A relationship ending is first and foremost a huge upper cut to the ego. You want to believe that you did everything right and were a very good girlfriend. You want to believe that you tried your hardest so when someone says that they don't want to be with you anymore its difficult to accept. You also feel really small because trust me atleast every person in your workplace, extended family and even car guards at your usual shopping centre will ask where your significant other is and then you'll have to repeat over and over and over again that you and him broke up.
2. There goes the Eurotrip
Most of all its a loss of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations. You feel lost and unable to figure out what you want and how to go about doing it because so much of your relationship focused on the future. There would have often been conversations like "One day when we're rich we'll book that Eurotrip for the two of us." or "One day we'll get a nice two-bed with a small garden." Down to 'We totally have to watch X Men when it comes out!" So now all of a sudden you don't know who you're going to do these things with or even worse if you even still want to do them.
3. Weather for cuddling
It sucks when you get home and usually your significant other might come over and you guys wouldn't do anything but lie in front of the TV and cuddle. Somehow you didn't feel like a hermit when you were doing that with him but doing it alone makes you feel like a crazy cat lady. There seems to be so many hours to fill yet when you think about it the two of you did very little. You stayed in bed till 11am on a Sunday, you ate, went back to bed, ate again, watched Carte Blanche and the 8 o' clock movie and then went back to bed. So howcome Sunday feels like an arid desert of nothingness without him?
4. Mindpower
You convince yourself, when your in a relationship, that your significant other knows your mind. He has some strange voodoo that allows him to know exactly what you're thinking, allows him to see when you're angry or hurt. He knew just how to calm you down and make you feel better. He told you, you were beautiful and made you feel like the smartest person in the world. He was always there when you needed him. If I'm honest I guess we wouldn't be broken up if he knew me that well, he'd have seen how unhappy I was and him not being there for me wouldn't have been one of the reasons we always fought but no matter how bad I know it was it just downright sucks not having someone like that to text, or call or post on their Facebook wall.
Friday, 25 April 2014
Why we don't write
I read an Adrian Mole novel once, I think it was meant to be the last one in the series, which proclaimed that "happy people don't write".
Just as most of the milestones in my life have had to do with my one significant love story so did this blog. Yes I am in fact pathetic, I attest to it myself.
So I started the blog to prove something to myself especially since I've always considered myself a writer but at the time, in 2012 I wasn't writing. You can't call yourself a writer if you don't write, right?
So the love of my life and I broke up with me and I needed an outlet and did it help...No! because like the idiot I am I then became friends with said ex-boyfriend and then felt like I couldn't post how sad I was feeling or how much I wanted to staple his balls to the cupboard door and kick the shit out of him. Ofcourse not!
In fact the point of this blog became so obscured and so ridiculous that he even started sharing my blog posts on Facebook to all his friends saying how proud of me he was. But no we were not together at this time in fact that show Friendzone became my televised bible.
And then last year in July I got a great job! Maybe not much to some but I was a writer again because I was writing and people were reading. I became the journalist of a community newspaper which is part of a huge South African conglomerate based on advertising. But a journalist none the less. So that, somehow, coincided with him and I trying again. And that literally just happened! One minute we were lying next to eachother on the couch the next minute we were a couple.
And then I literally just stopped writing on this blog. I don't know what it was. Was it the fact that I was expelling my creative angst somewhere else writing about potholes and horse tack being stolen and interviewing owners of music schools and dog-owners whose pets won best in show? Or was it that he and I were together so suddenly I was theoretically "happy" and therefore didn't need a writing outlet anymore? I didn't need anyone else to share my opinions because he shared my opinions, I didn't give a damn what people thought was funny because I entertained him and that's all that mattered.
I don't know. I mean, someone in my newsroom disclosed the shocking fact that she writes four blogs simultaneously! I find this inconceivable because one meeting with a local councilor gets me to bed by 20:30.
Yet somehow I feel like its not the job, its because him and I are on the rocks and there doesn't seem to be a way out. One of my best friend's who is a filmmaker has a theory that women can't create when they're attached while men can only create when they're attached hence muses. I'm inclined to agree.
Just as most of the milestones in my life have had to do with my one significant love story so did this blog. Yes I am in fact pathetic, I attest to it myself.
So I started the blog to prove something to myself especially since I've always considered myself a writer but at the time, in 2012 I wasn't writing. You can't call yourself a writer if you don't write, right?
So the love of my life and I broke up with me and I needed an outlet and did it help...No! because like the idiot I am I then became friends with said ex-boyfriend and then felt like I couldn't post how sad I was feeling or how much I wanted to staple his balls to the cupboard door and kick the shit out of him. Ofcourse not!
In fact the point of this blog became so obscured and so ridiculous that he even started sharing my blog posts on Facebook to all his friends saying how proud of me he was. But no we were not together at this time in fact that show Friendzone became my televised bible.
And then last year in July I got a great job! Maybe not much to some but I was a writer again because I was writing and people were reading. I became the journalist of a community newspaper which is part of a huge South African conglomerate based on advertising. But a journalist none the less. So that, somehow, coincided with him and I trying again. And that literally just happened! One minute we were lying next to eachother on the couch the next minute we were a couple.
And then I literally just stopped writing on this blog. I don't know what it was. Was it the fact that I was expelling my creative angst somewhere else writing about potholes and horse tack being stolen and interviewing owners of music schools and dog-owners whose pets won best in show? Or was it that he and I were together so suddenly I was theoretically "happy" and therefore didn't need a writing outlet anymore? I didn't need anyone else to share my opinions because he shared my opinions, I didn't give a damn what people thought was funny because I entertained him and that's all that mattered.
I don't know. I mean, someone in my newsroom disclosed the shocking fact that she writes four blogs simultaneously! I find this inconceivable because one meeting with a local councilor gets me to bed by 20:30.
Yet somehow I feel like its not the job, its because him and I are on the rocks and there doesn't seem to be a way out. One of my best friend's who is a filmmaker has a theory that women can't create when they're attached while men can only create when they're attached hence muses. I'm inclined to agree.
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